Setting healthy boundaries forms an important foundation for your relationship — here’s how to get started

Boundaries from both sides of the relationship should be heard, set and accepted in order to carry through a healthy dynamic. Without boundaries, lines can be easily crossed, hurtful feelings can arise and room for manipulation and toxicity can affect your lives.

That’s why getting these boundaries in from the start can help set the foundation for what’s to come, or even give you the opportunity to exit sooner, should your boundaries not be respected.

Did you know our recent survey found that only 23% of males and 27th of females feel comfortable setting boundaries? These numbers are super low, and we believe everyone should have the space to be able to discuss what is and isn’t sitting right with them.

Below are ways to go about setting healthy boundaries in your new relationship, as well as tips on how to communicate this with your new partner(s).

1. Know what you need first

Before we get to the communication part, you need to know exactly what your boundaries are. What makes you feel safe? What are you not comfortable with? If you’re struggling with this, think back to past relationships, or instances where you’ve witnessed others have their boundaries crossed and thought it looked highly undesirable. 

Write these down to get a clear picture of what you need — this will help you formulate a discussion with your partner.

2. Actively listen to what your partner needs

It’s easy to listen to merely give a response. But are you actually listening to what they’re saying? If there’s a boundary that isn’t sitting right for whatever reason, don’t be afraid to dig deeper by asking some of these questions:

• Why is this boundary important for you?
• Did something happen to prompt this boundary?
• How can we compromise here so we’re both happy?
  • This is especially important if there are boundaries surrounding going out and privacy.

3. Accept each other’s past

If you or the other person has done things they weren’t proud of in relationships, such as lie, cheat, take for granted and the like — then you need to ask yourself if you can accept this. You can’t undo what they did or change the past on either side, but it’s up to you guys to make a working effort that you’ve learned from your mistakes. Set new rules about when you talk about your past, particularly in moments where it can’t be talked about maturely.

4. Discuss your socials

Some couples prefer to have each other’s social media passwords, while others view this as an invasion of privacy. Some may find keeping your exes followed on socials sits quite weird with them — and these are all things you need to bring to the table.

• Do you want to share passwords, or do you think that borders on controlling?
• Are you friends with your exes/does your new partner have friends that make you feel weird?
• Do you want your relationship shared online or would you rather keep it private?

There’s no right or wrong here, only what you feel comfortable or uncomfortable with. If your partner won’t respect your privacy or reasons why you feel uncomfortable, then this is a conversation you need to dig deeper into, to figure out what’s really going on. Is there residual trauma surrounding socials with an ex? Or is the other person intending on hiding something?

5. Set rules around fidelity

Fidelity looks different in every relationship. If you’re in a long-distance relationship, you may both keep the relationship open while you’re apart, or allow rules for dating others casually. Some don’t see particular things as cheating like viewing pornographic material, while others might.

Talk about the various things that could be construed as cheating and set expectations and rules around these things in your relationship together. Think about everything you need to know before getting into an open relationship too, especially if this is your first time and have no idea how to navigate it.

6. Be open about what you’re bringing into this new relationship

We’re not saying air all your baggage in one go, but there are things you may want to make clear before making things official, such as:

• Are you in between jobs?
• Are you graduating soon?
• Do you live at home with your parents or alone?
• Are you allergic to pets?
• Are your political views aligned?
• Are you studying/working abroad any time soon?

You don’t have to reveal your deepest secrets, but some of the things we mentioned above are common courtesy and could remove any confusion in the future.

7. Talk about how you’ll solve problems

Relationship dynamics can determine how you’ll deal with conflict. One person might get on the defensive really quickly, others might retreat and leave the other feeling anxious about what they’ve done wrong.

To avoid any more hurt during conflicting feelings, talk about how you may overcome this. Can you dedicate “time outs” to gather thoughts? Can you both agree on avoiding name-calling and hurtful language?

8. Say no

It’s easy to agree with something you’re not truly comfortable with to keep the peace. Perhaps you’re worried that standing your ground may make them not like you. Should that not be more of a reason to say no? At the end of the day, if you have to please someone at the expense of your boundaries being crossed, then they aren’t right for you.

The more you don’t say no, the more resentment this can build further down the line and damage your relationship. To avoid any of this happening, don’t be afraid to say no to something you feel uncomfortable with, no matter what that may be. 

We hope these tips on setting boundaries in a new relationship have helped in some way. At the end of the day, honesty will get you both far, particularly in the early days. For more sex, dating and relationship posts, be sure to sign up to Student Beans to stay on top on the latest news.