What Your Love Language Says About Your Relationship Style

How do you communicate love and relate to others? Let’s find out.

You may have heard of the buzz-term ‘love language’ thrown around. This was thought up by talk show host and author Gary Chapman. He describes them simply as “five ways to express love emotionallyâ€.

It’s possible to have more than one love language, especially as relationships and humans are so nuanced.

To understand what your love language says about your relationship, it’s good to know what the love languages actually are. Here are the five love languages:

The different love languages

1. Gifts

This doesn’t mean showering the person in materialistic gifts. It means wanting to receive thoughtful gifts as an act of love. People with this love language appreciate the element of surprise and find special occasions very important to them.

Read: What To Do If You Forgot All About Valentine’s Day, Your Anniversary Or An Important Birthday

2. Acts of service

This could mean helping with chores, offering to drive your partner to work, working on projects together. It’s all about collaboration, easing the burden and most certainly not being called ‘lazy’ or ‘needy’ in return.

3. Quality time

Quality time can mean going on romantic trips, date nights, focusing your time on one another in a multitude of ways. Essentially, the attention you want needs to be undivided and this is the kind of love you value the most.

4. Words of affirmation

Actions can speak louder than words for some people. This could mean acts of love rather than simply saying ‘I love you’. Perhaps you need affirmation and reassurance more than others and having a partner that does these things makes you feel at your most loved.

5. Physical touch

Think sex, intimacy (in all forms) like playfulness, kisses, cuddles and physical touch in general. Basically, physical contact might be more important to you and you’ll feel loved when receiving these acts of affection the most.

Why know love languages?

Love languages are a great way to understand how you and partner best like to be loved or ‘shown’ love. You can be more direct with what you want and ask them what they need to feel at their most loved too.

In fact, you can both be very different people, but gravitate towards each other due to complimenting love-languages!

Read: These Relationship Narratives Are Actually Toxic — Here’s Why

What are attachment styles?

Attachment styles (sometimes known as ‘relationship styles’) refer to how you relate, communicate, act, attach or avoid your partner.

At its core, it’s an emotional attachment you formed as a child with your primary caregiver. You then subconsciously reenact this as an adult. If you always felt safe and understood as a child, you’re more likely to have self-confidence in handling yourself and relationships. This is known as a secure attachment.

But if you experienced inconsistent emotional and physical responses, you may form an insecure attachment style filled with anxiety, avoidant behaviour, or both.

What are the attachment styles and what do they look like?

Below are the different attachment styles and how they manifest in relationships

Secure attachment

• You have a strong sense of self-worth, can be yourself and express how you feel

• You’re comfortable with seeking support

• You feel safe when presented with distance

• You don’t mind being leaned on for support

• You can healthily manage conflict in relationships

• You bounce back through times of hardships due to your resilience.

Ambivalent (or anxious-preoccupied) attachment

Also known purely as ‘anxious attachment’:

• You crave intimacy and relationships, but struggle to trust others

• Relationships make other needs and wants fall of the wayside

• Be confused by a need for space and not know how to set or respect boundaries

• Feel your self-worth is determined by your partner

• Feel anxiety when your partner is away and make attempts to feel closer

• You may seek constant reassurance

Read: No-BS Guide When You’re Feeling Lonely

Avoidant-dismissive attachment

• Find it difficult to tolerate emotional intimacy

• Don’t feel you need to have others around you

• Are often accused of being ‘distant’ or ‘cold’ when partners open up to you

• Minimise others problems and feelings

• May prefer casual relationships due to fear of intimacy

Disorganized attachment

• Have a need to control people or situations around you

• May be untrusting towards others

• Prone to being hard on yourself and others

• Craves security but feelings unworthy

• Terrified of being hurt and have a ‘get there first before they do’ mindset.

How do love languages affect attachment styles in relationships?

How we express love in relationships goes back to our earlier years of development and hence forth our attachment styles.

But do they really have a role in how we pick our partners?

According to a study of 150 people by Jubileen L. Kombe & Jayson Nowak of Wittenberg University…

• Participants high in attachment anxiety were less likely to express affection through acts of service

  • They also preferred partners who expressed affection through touch, quality and gifts

• And those with avoidant-attachment styles were less likely to express affection through any of the love languages

  • They were also less interested in partners who wanted to express affection, but preferred receiving affection from them instead.

It’s hard to know who has what attachment style, or how to seek out those with secure ones. But being aware of the attachment styles we have, as well as how to deal with tier pitfalls, can still lead to successful romantic relationships.

What’s your love language? Do you flutter in attachment styles depending on different relationships? Let us know!