7 Ways To Set Boundaries With Your Partner Without Arguing

Setting boundaries doesn’t have to be a source of stress in your relationship.

65% of Gen Z’ers do not feel comfortable setting and communicating boundaries with their partner. Most of these conversations around boundaries have to do with consent. 55% feel unsure on how to respond to pressure around sex. That’s a staggeringly large amount of students trying to navigate the dating world—and not feeling comfortable doing it.

When you’re embarking on a new relationship, having some of those tough conversations can feel super daunting. So how do you talk about those difficult subjects with your partner without it evolving into a huge argument?

These seven strategies will ensure you can discuss all of your boundaries, all while keeping your cool. Plus, your relationship will be all the better for it.

1. Ask yourself what you’re looking for

If you haven’t thought about what your boundaries are exactly, now is the time to do so. You won’t be able to explain your boundaries to your partner if you don’t even know what they are. More often than not, people don’t realize they have a boundary until it’s crossed.

Set aside some time to ask yourself what kind of behaviors or actions would really bother you in a relationship. Taking this initial step will save you a lot of potential arguments later down the road.

2. Have the conversation early

Procrastinating is a no-go here. The sooner you talk to your partner about your relationship boundaries, the better it is for the both of you. You don’t want another person defining what your boundaries are for you. Again, this will likely lead to their unintentional crossing of said boundaries.

There isn’t necessarily one way to go about having this discussion. Maybe it comes up organically when your partner cancels plans at the last minute, or maybe you both decide to set aside some time to talk. Either way, be sure you’re both on the same page ASAP.

3. Be an example

In the era of self-love, the idea of treating yourself how you want to be treated is crucial when it comes to setting boundaries. You need to act and treat yourself like a person deserving of respect—because you are. Certain behaviors will naturally present themselves when you do this.

You don’t want to constantly send signals that you’re not a priority. Be aware of this when you’re making plans—are you always the one to adjust your schedule? Do you never pick where you’re both going for dinner? Little cues like this will snowball as time goes on. Take the reigns early.

4. Have a scale for your boundaries

Using a 1-10 scale is a great way to let your partner know how comfortable or uncomfortable you are when it comes to having a boundary crossed. This is an effective tool to telegraph if something is just a slight annoyance or a dealbreaker.

Take time to step away from the transgression once it happens (try not to get caught up in the heat of the moment) and address the issue kindly, but firmly. It’s always better to be upfront and clear the air than let something build and boil over.

5. Use therapist-approved techniques

It can be easy to start lobbing accusations when you’re angry once a boundary has been crossed. Unfortunately, this is an easy way for a small disagreement to turn into a full-fledged argument. Start off with a statement like, “Our relationship is important,” and build into, “so I want to be honest.”

Avoid “you” statements, which automatically feel like an attack. Rather, phrase things like, “I feel frustrated when…” And be sure to directly request (not demand) that they change their behavior.

6. Know it’s normal to be uncomfortable

If you’re not used to being assertive in a relationship, it can feel incredibly awkward at first. Aside from making your boundaries known, it can be even harder to have discussions when lines are crossed. Don’t fall into a pattern of being passive.

Not only will you be respecting yourself and your needs, it also helps to create the foundation of a healthy (and happy) relationship. Being able to have these discussions without shouting at each other is a sign of maturity and the fact that you’re both willing to work on improving your relationship as a whole.

7. Be aware of your deal breakers

There are some violations that are too great to overlook, like physical and mental abuse, which should be dealbreakers period. But there might be some boundaries and deal breakers in your relationship that are specific to you.

If you’ve taken the steps to explain them to your partner and they still aren’t honoring your wishes, that’s a major red flag. It’s time to evaluate if this relationship is really right for you. Step away and get yourself out before it escalates.

Have even more questions about sex & relationships? You’re not alone. Find out why Gen Z is getting their sex ed from TikTok.