9 people you’ll definitely meet on a night out
The Mr Men and Little Misses just got X-rated.
When it boils down to it - and we know this may be controversial – all nights out are essentially the same: alcohol; bar; club; ill-advised food purchase; hangover. What make nights out at university insanely good therefore are the people involved in your nightly shenanigans.
We’ve put together a comprehensive list of all of the people you’re going to meet (whether you remember them or not). Think of it as a sort-of ‘Mr Men’ and ‘Little Miss’ for the inebriated youth.
Print this out, take it with you: play bingo and mark off when you see one of these people – we guarantee that by the end of your night you’ll have a full-house.
We're giving a £100 Nando's voucher to someone who 'likes' us on Facebook this week (29th Oct - 5th Nov 2012).
1) Little Miss Paparazzi
She pictures herself (geddit?) as the Annie Leibovitz of the club, taking photo after photo of her friends, then the drinks deals, and finally the suspicious-looking stain on the dance-floor, which is posted on Instagram two minutes later - #ewww. Grouping together people who ‘aesthetically complement’ each other, regardless if they’ve ever met before, she’s forever complaining of the damaging effect of the smoke machines and strobe lights on her ‘art’.
The photos that make their way onto Facebook the next morning have to go through a painstaking three-hour-long, Smirnoff-esque triple-filtering process before finally making the cut.
What we notice: ‘OMG SIDEBOOB IN THAT PICTURE’.
2) Mr Alpha-Male (AKA ‘the lad’)
He’ll be the one necking drink after drink at the bar, swaying ominously as he tries to chat up the barwoman. Dressed in a Geordie Shore low-cut-to-the-navel T-shirt with fake tan to match – no metrosexuality here – he’ll eye up any member of the opposite sex with a pulse and six vodkas in tow.
Look out for his characteristically advanced lexicon (‘Gash’, ‘Banter’, ‘Bird’, ‘Benched’, and ‘Tris/Bis/Glutes’ are good for starters), and his vast array of insults, shelled out to men and women alike.
You can almost guarantee that if there’s any nudity on display, it’ll come from this shy, retiring type.
3) Mr Refuses-To-Admit-He’s-A-Lightweight
Sometimes mistaken for Mr Alpha-Male, this fella will be knocking back drinks like nobody’s business. And then he’ll hit his limit about two hours too early.
The bane (and highlight) of their friends’ nights out, he’ll be a gibbering wreck by 10pm, muttering incomprehensibly about his weird fetishes (which are great to video, for future reference), and in no control of his legs – or bladder.
On the plus side, Mr Refuses-To-Admit-He’s-A-Lightweight also makes himself easy prey for some hilarious pranks. Observe.
4) Little Miss Lecture-Conscious
‘Oh my god I’ve got to be up in 6 hours for a microbiology seminar and I’ve not done the reading and it’s the tutor who really hates me who smells a bit like BO and I just can’t handle it and oh my god I’m going to get thrown out.’
Six Jagerbombs later, and they generally change their mind a little bit.
5) Mr Awkward-Grind
There is always somebody in the club who can’t dance. The one whose Bossa Nova turns into a Bossa No-no, whose break dancing is more like dance breaking, and whose impression of grinding resembles that of a paraplegic, randy penguin in mating season.
The poor lad is probably having the time of his life; it would be awful for you to video it and post it on Facebook, and there is no way we would condone such behaviour. But if you just happened to be recording a very important social experiment for your psychology dissertation and just happened to catch them awkward grinding, there is no way on earth we’d advise sending it to us. At all.
6) Little Miss Do-I-Look-Okay?
Possibly along with numbers 2) and 8), the most dangerous type of person you may meet on a night out. Think of her as the 'Catch-22', the scenario there is no possible way you can win; the ‘does this dress make me look fat?’ of the dancefloor.
Perhaps her parting is slightly off-centre; maybe she thinks her lipstick is the wrong shade of red; all we can advise is to GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE, man or woman.
Otherwise you will have one of two scenarios, which will pan out like this:
1) ‘Do I look okay?’ ‘Yeah, you look fine; your dress needs to be done up at the back more though.’ ‘OHMYGODILOOKAWFULIMHIDEOUSGETAWAYFROMME’
2) ‘Do I look okay?’ ‘Yeah, you look nice.’ ‘ONLY ‘NICE’?! OHMYGODILOOKAWFULIMHIDEOUSGETAWAYFROMME.’
Seriously, just run screaming for the hills.
7) Mr Wrong-Side-of-the-Law
Some people take the ‘limits of the law’ as a challenge, and you can almost guarantee that you’ll meet Mr Wrong-Side-of-the-Law at any respectable club you go to.
Whether it involves a drunken scuffle, nudity (we’re looking at you here, Mr Alpha-Male), or smuggling in their mate Colin the Traffic Cone to join in the rave, the establishment generally don’t take too kindly to their antics and nudge (read: drag) them towards the exit.
They’ll be the ones that jump in the town square’s fountain and wonder why everybody scarpers when the sirens sound. And then they’ll carry on, regardless.
8) Mr Sexual-Predator
Again, often confused with Mr Alpha-Male, Mr Sexual-Predator goes out with only one thing on his mind (we’ll give you a clue: it rhymes with ‘Tyrannosaurus Rex’). The key difference here is that whilst the former will posture with honed pecks, reeking of testosterone, the latter will be the proverbial Sex Panther, sipping alcopops whilst awaiting to pounce on his unsuspecting prey.
…and let’s not forget, 60% of the time, he works every time.
9) Little Miss ‘OH-MY-GAAAAD’
For some people, alcohol has a horrendously hyperactive effect on them. Mix this with the intoxication of a dirty pint at the end of Ring of Fire and voila – you’ve created a monster.
Everything – and we mean everything – causes them excitement, and what starts off as a funny quirk quickly becomes irritating, which then becomes downright annoying as you stop by the twelfth puddle on the floor that ‘looks like Jesus’ on the way to the club.
We're giving a £100 Nando's voucher to someone who 'likes' us on Facebook this week (29th Oct - 4th Nov 2012).