How to completely f*** up a job interview
Because no one REALLY wants to work for a living...
There are ways and means of improving your chances of finding a job. You could avoid the eight unforgivable CV mistakes. You could practice answering these weird and wonderful interview questions. But no one cares about that stuff.
All you need to do is think outside the box - way outside the box - with our guide to completely acing a job interview...
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Job interviews are a little like dating - you don’t want to come across as overly keen, it’ll put them right off. Probably. Rock up a good 30 minutes after they’re expecting you and they’ll be putty in your hands. ‘Who’s this guy?! He’s clearly got better places to be, he MUST be good’, they almost definitely won’t say..
Wear the wrong clothes
Nothing says ‘original thinker’ like massively misjudging your choice of interview outfit. An employee wants to see that you fit in with their company, so show them that you don’t. Going for a job in the media? Wear you sharpest suit. Got an interview at a law firm? We suggest shorts and flip-flops. And if you’re not sure exactly how to get it wrong, try leaving all your clothes at home...
Don’t do any research
Honestly, what good can come from knowing the name of the company? It’s an interview, not a test. They’ll see how awesome you are without you having to find out exactly what it is they do, or suggesting ways you could improve the company. They want to hear about you, not them. Tell them about how you like football or TOWIE. They love that shit.
Something you should absolutely do is tell them exactly how desperate you are. Tell them how many interviews you’ve failed. Tell them how little money you have. Definitely tell them how you’d work for free if it meant getting your foot in the door - they absolutely won’t take advantage of that little tidbit.
Now you’ve probably been told that you should get a good night’s sleep on the eve of a big interview. That’s one train of thought, here’s another. Turning up to an interview with a stinking hangover says one thing and one thing only: ‘This guy clearly has a lot of friends and knows how to have a good time. I want to party with him. Let’s hire him and get on it to celebrate’.
Avoid eye contact
Don’t know about you, but people looking us in the eye the whole time freaks the crap out of us. Staring at the floor or out of the window should stop you from being weirded out by your interviewer’s overly-longing gazes. It will also make you seem distant and interesting. Which you obviously are. Whilst we’re on the subject of body language, crossing your arms is great if you don’t know what to do with your hands, and if it’s misconstrued as being defensive... well, that’s their fault, not yours.
Speak the truth
Honesty is the best policy. Our mum said so. We’re sure that your interviewer’s mum said so too. If you failed some exams, tell them, they’ll appreciate it. If you’ve got no relevant work experience then don’t try to sugarcoat the pill, just tell them you don’t have a clue what they’re doing. And when they ask you why you want to work there, we encourage you to respond: ‘My parents are desperate for me to leave home and I really need some beer money.’
Sweeten the deal
If you follow all your rules and somehow still don’t get the job, then fear not - you’ve still got one or two more cards to play. Why not trying slipping them some cash - or maybe even suggesting an altogether less wholesome method of bribery (nudge nudge, wink wink). Everyone’s got their price - and if they’re anything like us you’ll probably get change from a tenner...
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