The definitive list of annoying emoticons

It almost makes you wonder how people ever managed to communicate without them...

Thursday 18 October 2012
posted by Robin Edds
Comments

Over the past 15 years we've seen incredible advances in technology. If you'd told someone in the mid 90s that they could do all their shopping without leaving their house, carry ALL their music around on a portable telephone, and stalk the sht out of everyone they've ever fancied totally anonymously then they'd have probably told you to pss off, before turning their Discman back on or throwing a video in the VCR.

Unfortunately these advances haven't been all good. Texting, instant messaging, and the never-ending sex drive of the young has resulted in the creation of a whole new language... the language of the emoticon.

Using words to convey one's feelings is so last millennium.

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The classics

The smiley face... :)

The original. The most tolerable. One of the few that actually looks like what it's supposed to. Adding it to a text or email makes even the worst news seem acceptable. For example... I don't think we should see each other any more, you make my skin crawl :) x

The BIG smile... :D

For when you're not just happy, but REALLY happy, like when you find a fiver in your pocket or any time when you're not watching TOWIE.

The winky face... ;)

Ahhh the winky face... enabling sexual encounters since 1998. Before you could send the lust of your life winky faces how on earth were they supposed to know that you wanted to take their clothes off? They were dark, lonely times.

The sticking out your tongue face... :P

If emoticons are supposed to accurately convey what your face is doing, then by rights there should be thousands of young folk wandering around with their tongues permanently extended. But there are not. Because people don't actually do it. So you shouldn't use it. Ever.

The crying face... :'(

We really hope that's not what we look like when we cry. Not that we ever cry. Well, except when watching Neighbours. The crying face is really useful for people who want to say 'I'm CRYING, give me attention', but who are aware that this would be frowned upon. Talking of which...

The frowny face... :(

Thank F*CK brackets face both ways, it instanly doubles your options. This is a lot like the happy face, but for when you're sad. Bet you're glad you know how to use it now, right? ;)

The slightly more tenuous

The shocked face... :O

If you are so shocked at a piece of news that you are unable to construct words such as 'I'm shocked', 'Oh emm geeeee', or 'Well that piece of news was unexpected' then the shocked face is the one for you.

The disgusted face... D:

The worst thing about this particular emoticon is that you have to tilt your head to the OTHER side to work out what it is, which quite frankly we're not willing to do. In fact, we are disgusted. Also, it could easily be confused for 'I've got a slice of bread on my face'.

The angry face... :@

We appreciate the irony when we say that this one genuinely makes us angry. But rather than use an emoticon, we'll just tell you about it. Our main problem is... IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE AN ANGRY FACE!!!!! *punches internet in the groin*

The skeptical face... :-/

Basically this is what our face looks like when people try to use emoticons when sending us emails. According to the internet this is also used for 'hesitant', which quite frankly needed an emoticon as much as 'trying to remember whether there are any sausages in the fridge'.

The utterly ridiculous

The angel face... 0:-)

'Angel face' sounds like a cool, no-nonsense gangster from 1920s Chicago. Sadly, however, it's just the name of another emoticon that should not be used under any circumstances. Unless you're being forced to at gunpoint by a no-nonsense gangster from 1920s Chicago.

The high five... o/ \o

Not to be confused with the 'being charged at by an angry rhino' emoticon, this can also be filed under 'totally unnecessary'. Instead, just make a mental note of your desire to high five the respondent, and carry out said action upon your next encounter.

Something smells fishy... ><>

OK, this is starting to get a bit silly.

The rose... @>-->--

Men of the world, listen up. If you're the kind of guy who thinks he can send his girlfriend a few characters via text that (very) vaguely resemble a rose, rather than giving her an actual rose, then you don't deserve to have a girlfriend. Or a phone.